Matt Corbett tests his strength of will, by testing the strength of 40s. We here at Racket Magazine encourage responsible alcohol consumption by those of legal age. By "legal age," we mean girls who say they’re legal, and by "drink responsibly," we mean don’t spill any.
Being a student presents many challenges, not the least of which is trying to get hammered on a budget. It’s easy to get drunk on great-tasting beers like Shiner Bock or Bass Pale Ale, but how many of us can afford to keep up a reasonable drinking schedule at such premium prices? Most of us are reduced to High Life or Steel Reserve in our quest for a legal buzz. To offer a bit of guidance to those who pinch their pennies to buy hooch, I offer this humble article as a token of tender advice. I hope you clip it out and attach it upon your refrigerator so that you may consult it next time you have $5 and a hankering for spirits. Each of these fine beverages can be found in nearby liquor stores, and none cost more than two dollars, except Boone’s Farm, unless it's on sale.
Miller High Life – A rather light-flavored beer, High Life has often earned simultaneous praise and scorn for its tagline, "The Champagne of Beers." A friend of mine described as tasting like "tangy butter." Virtually no aftertaste means it goes down relatively smoothly, although you’ll probably pay for it tomorrow morning. My friend Andrew assures me that rednecks use it for cologne.
Magnum – Another "quality" product from Miller, Magnum malt liquor greets you with a scent as malodorous as used diapers when you immediately open the bottle. Magnum raises your body temperature beyond all reason, so it’s not well-suited for those muggy nights at the park.
Olde English 800 – A malt liquor that tastes like it were brewed in a skunk’s anus. It tastes like a bunch of drunk bums peed into a container. Avoid at all costs.
Olde English High Gravity – This lager made me feel as if I were being punched in the esophagus. High Gravity is named as such because it will send you headlong to the floor. You will skip drunkenness and will careen directly into a hangover.
Steel Reserve – Notoriously popular on college campuses, Steel Reserve earns its name by tasting like the can that contains it. You will often see obnoxious drunkards swilling the cheapest of beers and yelling at people who aren’t there. By a friend’s calculation, Steel Reserve costs approximately $0.25 a can when purchased in bulk (if you recycle the cans, it’s like you got the beer for free). Quite possibly the worst hangovers this author ever experienced was a direct result of SR consumption.
M-X Ice – Its 99-cent price tag betrays a rather sweet taste. I was expecting something vomitous, but was instead rewarded with a beverage that tastes like ambrosia compared to Steel Reserve. Goes down fairly smoothly, and is an excellent product for its price. Get it now before the rest of the country catches on and the price increases.
Natural "Natty" Light – It reminds me of car battery acid, except I feel sluggish instead of energized. This would be good beer for a party, supposing you hated all your guests. Calling it “Light” is a misnomer bordering on criminal.
Natural "Natty" Ice – Natty Light’s paste-eating cousin, Natty Ice, is separated from its relative only by an increase in alcohol content. Otherwise, it’s virtually the same product, just with a worse hangover ratio. Also, after consuming a few sips of Natty Ice, my jaw began hurting uncontrollably. Calling this beer "natural" is like calling Slobodan Milosevic a humanitarian.
Busch – Scents of NASCAR, hints of muddin’, and traces of frog giggin’. If you lick the bleachers at any automotive track in America, you will taste Busch (of course, you’ll also contract hepatitis, but that’s beside the point). Relative to Natty Light, it’s premium, but average compared to most domestic beers. Questionable at the price they ask.
Schlitz – Why would you do this to yourself?
Wild Cat – Their tagline promises "Unleash the Cat," but it’s rather middling and disappointing. I was expecting something to leap down my throat and tear me up from the inside. It just gave me gas. Thumbs down, if for nothing else than the letdown.
Pabst Blue Ribbon – Brewed from the sludge of Erie Canal, PBR has, for whatever reason, has attained a luster amongst the hipster sect. It is, by far, the cheapest beer that employed people will drink. Goes down smooth, but comes back up even more so.
Milwaukee’s Best – If this is Milwaukee’s best, I feel sorry for Milwaukee. The tastes of rust and metal shavings really give it a good head.
Sparks – Despite my apprehension at a label promising a drink that contains "natural flavor unit," a pint of Sparks is surprisingly well-priced for it’s also surprisingly high-quality of taste. Like a pre-mixed Jaeger Bomb, Sparks is a well-balanced mix of flavor and alcohol. However, having a "certified color" makes me wary, as does the fact that it contains Yellow 5, but hey, if you’re drinking gas station liquor, it’s not like you have to worry about that. My bosom buddy Rachel asserts that it tastes like orange pixies sticks, and I’m not inclined to disagree with her.
Mississippi Mud – Despite being brewed in New York, this beer is as heavy as its namesake. It’s as inauthentic as a New York band playing roots rock, but hey, it’s a buck. It also features the best packaging of any beer I’ve ever seen, as it resembles a jug of moonshine. It's a little harder to find, so happy hunting.
Colt 45 – Colt 45 tastes exactly the same going down as it does coming back up, so you get twice the pleasure. A staple of both the hobo and the undergraduate, Colt 45-brand malt liquor is the grossest beer they sell in grocery stores other than O’Douls, which is only gross because it’s non-alcoholic.
Cisco – The bottle insists "this is not a wine cooler." I imagine this is because it’s rubbing alcohol made with artificial flavors. For whatever reason, Black Cherry was fifty cents cheaper than the rest of the Cisco flavors, so my associates and I opted for it over the others. Coming in a steak-sauce shaped bottle, Cisco will render you impotent and sociopathic. It tastes like cigarette smoke and cough syrup. The FTC forced Cisco to print a warning on their label, and it has been referred to as "liquid crack." Rachel was borderline hallucinating, and Andrew almost fell over dead. Cisco will allow you to see through time. Dionysus weeps with joy as you can’t resist the urge to destroy yourself with Cisco.
Mickey’s – A rather bland malt liquor (but anything tastes bland after Cisco), Mickey’s doesn’t promise the sting that its hornet mascot seems to promise. This is about as Irish as being childless and sober. Wholly disappointing.
Night Train – Like a night train to Hell.
Boone’s Farm – This wine cooler is a delightful appetizer to a night of discount debauchery. Coming in a variety of flavors, Boone’s Farm tastes like candy compared to it’s cousins on the shelf.
Thunderbird – Like pure liquor, but with sweetener, although it’s rather fruitless. Makes me wince like hearing about my parents’ sex life. No one in our test group wanted anymore after one sip. It resembles vegetable oil in appearance and texture. Another one to avoid at all costs. What’s the word? Thunderbird.
MD 20/20 – Affectionately known as "Mad Dog," MD 20/20 tastes a smidge better than Cisco, but that’s like winning the Special Olympics. If you drink enough of this bum wine, you start to appreciate Wesley Willis in a way some people appreciate Prokofiev.
Of course, I was unable to locate certain brands, perhaps because they’re not regional or just in one or two liquor stores in the metro Atlanta area, where I currently call home. If anyone reading this can find me cans or bottles in any size of Black Label, Country Club Malt Liquor, Big Bear, Yankee Jim, South Paw, and something my friend Greg referred to in passing as "The Beast," I would be eternally grateful.
Written by Racketeer Matt Corbett Rachel Renz, Andrew Burkhart, and Jon Carter contributed to this article.