Life's too short for...

Hawthorne Heights

Mike - Alcoholic Academic

Mike is Racket’s resident scientist-writer-photgrapher-metal-lover. He used to live in the gutter in front of the Falconer before a debilitating scrotal injury forced him to use his wit instead of his nards for self expression. His life is now a myriad of organic synthesis, molecular genetics and Cradle of Filth bootlegs, though he’ll always have a soft spot for Weird Al, Scandinavian rock music, and Elliott Smith. Mike would gladly choose saving his Smashing Pumpkins albums over saving Darfur. He quotes “Bo’Selecta”, although no one gets the joke. Mike’s BA research focuses on increased dopamine receptor affinity in schizophrenics, with a concentration in how many beers he can drink before totally wrecking his saved games in Microsoft Flight Simulator. Gwar once stole his bicycle right before school started in 5th grade, leaving him to cry in the rain. Mike is the reigning emperor of all he can survey while standing on a lawn chair in the front yard, and former vice emperor of all he can survey while standing on a lawn chair in the back yard. Your band will get a better review if you send Mike your album with a bottle of Johnnie Walker glued to it. Also, Jon licks turds.

For more info or a cryptic conversation, contact Mike at Mike@RacketMag.com

Matt - Southern Drunk

Born the son of a sailor, Matt inherited his father’s proclivities to swear, drink, and chase skirts. He used to have a beard, but he shaved it into a goatee because he’s from Georgia, and people from the South are weird. You can usually find him sitting on his porch, listening to Hank Williams the First, and drinking Stroh’s by the case. Matt cheers for the Washington Nationals, and hopes you to do the same. If you fuck with him, he will wait for you in the parking lot and break your sternum with a tire iron. It’s unknown how he writes, due to his borderline illiteracy, crippling drinking problem, and frankly disgusting pornography addiction. He won’t even talk to you if you don’t own at least two albums by the Replacements. His record collection could beat up your record collection. If you’re a hipster, “scene,” or some mawkish MySpace attention-whore, Matt encourages you to go kill yourself and save us the trouble. This goes double for people who spend $200 at Urban Outfitters to look like they shop at Goodwill.

Jeff - Senior Ladies Man

It all started sometime when the moons of the seventh sun aligned, when a female Alien and a male human hobo decided to “knock da boots”, thus conceiving the most awesome creature to ever grace the 3rd rock from the sun. Nine months later, in mid-1980, Jeff was born. Jeff expressed an early interest for the sound waves that are formed from music. Unfortunately, Jeff was raised into a poor family (due his mother being killed in the War Of The Worlds), and had to begin working in a plantation at the early age of 6. A freak industry accident left Jeff with no arms, thus beginning the ultimate experiment of 1986. Jeff went through numerous surgeries to have adamantium alloy arms attached to him. These weren't any normal metal arms though, they gave him the ability to shoot rockets from his fingertips, knock a hole into a brick wall, and most importantly... play music really really well. At this time, Jeff took up such instruments as the electric banjo, the pots and pans, and the skin flute. He excelled in all of these, and found he could even belt out a tune or two. After numerous attempts at stardom with local country acts and touring rap groups, Jeff decided to take a swing at something new. A couple other ventures fell somewhat short, when he was offered the job of a lifetime; the chance to interview Simon and Garfunkel at the local fair. Jeff jumped at the opportunity, and showed early on that he had somewhat of an ability to write about things that he was interested in. This started his long, illustrious career as a midnight exotic dancer at the local tavern while writing at a magazine during the day. When interviewed about his new job at the magazine, Jeff had this to say: “It’s great to write about things I love, like rockets, lasers and cupcakes. I have the freedom to do what I want.” Jeff will be at a show near you, bugging the shit out of any band that will give him the time of day. If you see him, don’t be afraid to say hi. After he’s done humping your leg, there’s usually has a good conversation or two to be had. Drop Jeff a line at Jeff@racketmag.com

Kim - Metal Overlord

"I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with themselves, remorseful after deeds done;
I see, in low life, the mother misused by her children, dying, neglected, gaunt, desperate;
I see the wife misused by her husband—I see the treacherous seducer of young women;
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love, attempted to be hid—I see these sights on the earth;
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny—I see martyrs and prisoners;
I observe a famine at sea—I observe the sailors casting lots who shall be kill’d, to preserve the lives of the rest;
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;
All these—All the meanness and agony without end, I sitting, look out upon,
See, hear, and am silent."

- Excerpt "Leave of Grass", Walt Whitman

Casey - Photographer and All-Around Bad Person

Lord only knows the history of the man known as Casey Curry.

Aaron Hale- Assistant Editor/Rogue Promotions and Sales/Latino Heat

Aaron was brought onto Racket to fill a race quota, but now has utter doubt about his future with Racket, due to Dawn Apang being hired. We all know one really....really hot Asian chick trumps a sweaty Mexican. Even though she might take his job, Aaron would still gladly revoke his green card just to be seen in the same room as her.

Aaron was found in the Deserts of Arizona, at the ripe age of 10. Born with the imbued sense of Cotton and Grape Picking, as well as sleeping on the job, being generally lazy, and showing up to all social functions dirty and drunk, Aaron doesn't fit most hispanic stereotypes. No, he's bound and determined to set his peoples social restraints free. Too bad when he was 13, a cactus became lodged in his head, causing him the inability to speak Spanish.

Beligerant, bitter, and 1/10th gay for Tom Gabel (and growing), Aaron is poor, uneducated, drunken, and has the tendancy to use comma's where they are inappropriate, thusly causing Jonathan Yost high blood pressure.

It's quite obvious he has no right whatsoever talking, thinking, writing, or even listening to music. Don't trust him, he will steal your wallet, and bang your ugly sister.

When not slacking off when he should be writing an article for Racket, Aaron Hale likes to make duct tape underwear, huff eyeliner, and watch his favorite movie, Gigli. Aaron Hale once spray painted his testicles chrome, in a hilarious incident, even though that anecdote has nothing pertinant to offer to his bio.

By the year 2010 Aaron Hale will be shot dead, in a hail (no pun intended) of Police gunfire, as he tries to coherese his captives (from the band Billy Resse Peters) into a suicide pact. In his wake, he will have left behind a trail of destruction, and as eye witnesses Matt Corbett will be quoted as saying "It was really gay."

Dawn Apang - Tempestous Temptress

Dawn is in a long term relationship with the music industry, which has caused serious trust issues and inability to commit. She thinks that if church and state can separate, so can art and commerce. Her skill set includes: kindergarten level Chinese, tying cherry stems in knots with her tongue, driving a stick shift in L.A. traffic, and a freaky backwards hand trick.

Dawn likes listening to NPR and tries to floss regularly. She does not have a hard time talking about her feelings. You cannot guess her nationality, so don't even try. Dawn enjoys chai tea, dry humor, and not camping. She is legally blind in her right eye. She does not like dog slobber, poor grammar, Dorito breath, or politics. Dawn kanot spel. She can ride the hell out of a horse and has the lowest alcohol tolerance of all your friends.

Dawn is really hot. You cannot get with Dawn.

Caitlin Elgin- The Hotness

Caitlin is an art student who hates art students, which she is told is a very art student thing to do. She is studying to be a Hot Photographer, but right now she is mostly just good at the Hot part. She believes that sarcasm is best used in times of trouble, when trying to get a date, and when talking to people who are not as smart as you. She loves drive thrus that stay open for 24 hours, because you never know when you will need fries to go with that shake. She thinks that basses, Midwestern accents, and talking about functional derivatives are hot. People who speak in double negatives annoy her. She does not know why cows don't have toes or why people like to fit stereotypes, but would like to find out. She is easily amused and is the worst driver she has ever met.

More

There's more to us than just this core group, Molly's contributed some things, as has Angela and Shaida. We'll bring you some more on the fine ladies, as well as new writers we keep bringing on. If you want to be up here, let us know.